honesty

Do you know what i really want? I want to be honest. and i don't mean not lying, i mean being honest. I want everyone in this universe to know all my dirty little secrets. I want the world to know about my stupid mistakes, my methhead father, the terrible music i listen to, the times i've smoked pot, the struggles i have with religion, the fact that i can't hold a normal relationship, the things i hate about my body - i want to bear them for all to see. and then maybe - just maybe- the shame will go away. the shame is the most painful. If i bore everything and had nothing left to hide would i be set free of this burden?

On a completely unrelated note i feel like a schizophrenic lately, and a pretty lost one at that. I'm trying this dating thing and some of the time i am absolutely convinced this is the thing i should be doing and it seems right and i am happy - other times i feel i am still so in love that i must be fucking retarded to not realize what is right in front of me. even writing this paragraph i can't make up my mind which statement sounds dumber...

Another unrelated tangent last night my mother drills into me the fact that my dad is not the same person he used to be and never will be again. The meth has bore holes into his brain and all he can think about is drugs - but he loves his children... im not even angry - that's just fucking sad. and it's sad that my mother has to tell me not go to near my own father because she is afraid one of his friends might slit my throat to get back at my dad for stealing drugs. Also i find out today that my poor little brother is just being torn apart by all of this bullshit between my parents. typical scenario: normal day - dad shows up wanting to see kids - mom gives dad drug test - dad fails - yelling occurs - the police are called - dad is escorted away - next day dad calls, talks to kids, says the reason he cannot spend time with them is because mom wont let him.

reading this you must think i am pretty emotionally unstable - which actually isn't that true... i dont know if i have just gotten used to it over the years or if im just too tired to give a fuck. Either way my life is pretty good and i can't complain, so don't even waste your time feeling sorry for me because i have it so good it's pretty sickening.
i guess i just have to stay upset about something...

another thing that bothers me is i dont know if i am just hypersensitive or if i have real reasons to be upset. cause if i dont im just gonna feel like more of an ass later... well since this has turned into random babbling i guess ill call it a night. jeezz what a crappy entry, lol i need to write happy thoughts ummm ponies in a whipped cream filled swimming pool... hehe :) there we go